Have you ever thought to yourself “I wish more things in life were pumpkin spice. Why stop at lattes, pancake mix, ice cream, Jello, doughnuts, and edible lip gloss?” Well, here at The Quilted Squirrel, our motto has long been “if it ain’t broke, make it pumpkin spice”—which, coincidentally, is also the motto of capitalism come autumn, when it seems that every conceivable commodity receives the pumpkin spice treatment.

While that list of commodities is long, we see an untapped market for the following products and are excited to bring an infusion of spiced orange gourd to each and every one—coming to the bargain bin at the last remaining Christmas Tree Shop in America very soon.

  1. Axe Body Spray: Pumpkin Spice Steel Wolverine Dirtbike Blast
    • Like all good men’s hygiene products, this body spray also doubles as hair gel, deodorant, grout, insect repellant and raccoon pheromone and can be substituted for WD-40 in a pinch.
  2. Pumpkin spiced canned spaghetti loops
    • The generic version of your favorite convenient prepared spaghetti in a can, featuring the same thin, watery tomato sauce with a pumpkin spice boost.
  3. Pumpkin spiced dental floss
    • Picture this. You’ve just polished off the last of the summer corn-on-the-cob and, wouldn’t you know it? There’s a pesky kernel stuck between your two front teeth. You could use a toothpick or reach for boring mint-waxed dental floss, but maybe it’s time to spice up your dental hygiene routine. That’s why nearly two out of eight dentists with a partial DDS from the University of Phoenix recommend TQS Pumpkin Spiced Dental Floss: for a spicy pumpkin taste that lingers too long.
  4. Pumpkin spiced egg substitute
    • A great choice for vegans who want all the protein of an egg without compromising the quintessential flavor of fall.
  5. Pumpkin spiced pork cracklin’s
    • Lip smacking, pork crackling, pumpkin spiced fun. Merely being in the same vicinity as this delicacy meets 100% of your required daily value of pork skin (and 200% the daily value of saturated fat).
  6. Pumpkin spiced shredded wheat cereal served lukewarm two hours after preparation
    • Everyone knows the best way to eat shredded wheat cereal is to prepare it and forget about it, allowing the wheat to macerate in the milk at room temperature. It’s at this point that the pumpkin spice tasting notes really come through.
  7. Pumpkin spiced loaded potato skins
    • An old family recipe with a special ingredient. Find them in the freezer aisle (the special ingredient is Red Dye 40).
  8. Pumpkin spiced jorts
    • You’ve heard of swim jorts, hiking jorts, night jorts, candy jorts, even shower jorts, but pumpkin spiced jorts mean you don’t have to pack away your favorite jean shorts or your pasty thighs when the temperature drops, the leaves fall and the days get longer. Simply update your wardrobe with seasonal flair!
  9. Pumpkin spiced Rat-X
    • Same active ingredient as Pumpkin Spice Steel Wolverine Dirtbike Blast Axe Body Spray with slightly different branding. Rats love pumpkin spice, which is just one more thing that humans have in common with rats.

This fall, don’t limit the pumpkin spice in your life to hot beverages and Trader Joe’s snacks and frozen appetizers. Embrace the flavor of the season before it’s gone.

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