Happy summer! We’ve been holding our breath for a while now, but we think it’s finally safe to ring in the season without jinxing it, and this year we’re kicking it off with our first ever round of TQS Staff Summer Predictions. We’ve consulted our horoscopes and made our best guesses as to what the next few months have in store for us. Be warned: we considered making this post a three-parter, but had flashbacks to the regrettable time they made The Hobbit, a 310 page book, into a trilogy. By that logic, this blog post should be no less than twelve feature-length films. So, Peter Jackson, if you’re reading this, we think there’s something special here and we’re open to collaborating.
Without further ado, your first annual TQS Staff Summer Predictions:
- Temperatures in WNY will not hit 90 degrees. It’s been an incredibly depressing spring here in WNY, and I don’t have any reason to believe that won’t continue through the summer. In fact, the lousy weather this spring has only reinforced my belief that we should eliminate spring altogether as a season. Not the months of March through May, but simply the name, “spring.” If March through May were still considered winter, particularly here in WNY, people would think nothing of four inches of snow on April 28. Or 40-degree temperatures in May. It would just be winter, and it would be normal. In fact, people’s spirits would likely be lifted as warmer temperatures arrived in April and May, and they’d say things like “Boy, the end of this winter sure has been great,” instead of “Boy, this spring sure does suck.” I could make a similar case for fall, but for now, let’s keep our efforts focused on the movement to eliminate Spring. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
- TQS will relocate its World Headquarters before the official end of summer. More on that in the coming months. #teaser
- For the 38thconsecutive year, I will not visit Disney World. I’ve never been to this “magical” place that I’d prefer to describe as Hell on Earth, and I’d like to keep it that way—for the 38th year, and Every. Single. Year. Thereafter. With temperatures hot enough to make you pit-out in seconds, and enough people to make even Kylie Jenner blush, it’s a place of which I have zero desire to ever come within 100 yards. I have friends who have gone. Even family. They all love it. “We love it,” they say. “It’s the worst,” I say. I hate waiting. I hate the heat. And I generally don’t like people. Throw all of those onto acres of asphalt, along with a 17-year-old in a Mickey costume, and I’ll tap out immediately. All of this is not even considering the fact that I have three kids ages eight, five and three. Sometimes they say “Dad, can we go to Disney World?” And I say, “go f*ck yourself.” So, we’re probably not going to Disney World.
- I predict that by August I’ll be driving around the city without the crutch of a GPS, but that’s wishful thinking.
- The seemingly endless rain will, in fact, end sometime in July, or at least I really hope it does. It can’t last all summer, right? Right????
- This is less of a prediction, but my biggest summer goal is to find a good place to swim. I’ve lived in Poughkeepsie, NY for the past 15 years and my summers have always been filled with trips to Jones Beach. Now that I don’t live near an ocean, I’m on the hunt for a good substitute (suggestions welcome).
- There will not be a corn on the cob eating contest at The Quilted Squirrel, because a corn on the cob eating contest is logistically challenging and requires a lot of preparatory husking. But if there was, I think I’d have a good shot. I’m pretty skilled in eating a considerable amount of food at a moderate pace for a sustained period of time, plus I love corn. You know what they say, tuna is the chicken of the sea, but corn is the caviar of the field.
- When I see my mother next week, she will say “Olivia, why didn’t you get your hair cut? You have to maintain the style! You can’t cut your hair short if you don’t maintain the I tell you this every time.” This is a great prediction because she tells me this every time.
- I will delay getting my hair cut and will continue with my small, father-of-the-American-Revolution style pony tail situation until I’m recruited by a gang of Revolutionary War reenactors and then I’ll finally make a name for myself as Deceased Militiaman #7 when we take Bunker Hill on the road.
- Chris’s mom will send a loaf of banana bread into the office. The law of attraction says that we can bring into our lives whatever we are focusing on.
- I will eat somewhere between 75 and 175 tacos. Probably closer to 175.
- I won’t end up buying that flower box for my front porch that I keep thinking about. Putting something into an Amazon cart is really, really hard and I don’t know if I have the energy.
- I will come dangerously close to joining a cult. I recently bought a book about the power of the subconscious mind and have been listening to podcasts about real estate investing. The way I see it, this can only go one way.
- The chances of me eating at least one hotdog by the end of summer—94.285%. My usual hotdog consumption averages about two per year… both of which happen at a Labor Day party my wife’s cousin hosts yearly. Since the last day of summer falls on the 23rd of September, and Labor Day is to be celebrated on the 2nd, the odds are looking pretty good. However, there’s always the possibility that I’ll opt for a burger instead. We’ll see.
- My cleaning our pool to swimming in the pool ratio typically falls in the 3-1 range (with swimming being the lesser). I’d certainly like to balance that out a bit more. Or, maybe I should just make the kids clean the pool. That sounds like the best option, but also the more difficult and least likely.
- Will the renovations at the new (future) TQS World Headquarters be complete before the fall equinox? Time will only tell, but I’m feeling pretty optimistic at this juncture. So, I’ll go with yes.
- I also predict that the current K-pop boy band explosion will give way to a wave of girl groups from Liechtenstein, that yodel while riding on the backs of goats.
- Sushi (Olivia’s baby) and Bear (my baby) will meet and become BFF’s. (Please note that the babies in reference are dogs.)
- I also predict that, by the end of summer, Courtney and Olivia will fall in the love with B-LO (If they haven’t already). Their feelings might change around Christmas. Time will tell.
- The TQS staff will start a bumper bubble soccer league. This looks like it would be fun to watch and play, which fulfills both requirements for most games!
- We’ll also host an adult lemonade stand, which you might think means a lemonade stand that sells adult beverages, but is actually just your garden variety lemonade stand run by adults.
Tyler (Tyler prefaced his email containing these predictions by apologizing on behalf of their lameness. We’ll let you be the judge):
- The Tim Kaine cardboard cutout will somehow follow me to my desk at the new office.
- I will make something out of wood for my home that will be strong and reliable.
- Bitcoin will top $20k over the summer and then fall back to like $10k.
There you have it, folks. If you’ve made it this far, come into our office anytime during normal working hours and receive a free, premium coaster while supplies last. It’s summer, after all, and that can only mean one thing. Your beverage condensation management needs are peaking, and we’re here to help. Just use the password “do you guys accept old microwaves here?” to redeem, and be sure to check back in at the end of the summer when we reflect on our predictions to see which of them came true.
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