Over the past couple of days, our server has been up and down more times than a faulty hot air balloon. Though the IT department is on top of it, we’ve been left with periodic chunks of downtime. After spending the first few interruptions contemplating our existence, we’ve turned to a more productive pastime: astrology.

Though much of our ability to read the stars is hindered by our daytime working hours, we’ve perused enough women’s magazines and touched enough crystals to understand that cosmic divination is more a feeling than a science. It’s like using a Ouija Board, and we never make a business decision without first consulting a Ouija Board, which is why we’ve recently invested most of our savings into hand-made wooden flutes and bought a bunch of vintage dental equipment. One of those has been great for our passion project: a fully functioning, year-round haunted house. The Ouija always knows.

Anyway, much deliberation and precious time spent pondering the cosmos in the bottom of our coffee mugs has provided us with the following celestial knowledge that we’re excited to pass along to anyone looking for a little spiritual guidance:

Aries

 Opportunity is knocking, but you should be careful before answering the door. You never know who might be behind it. What if it’s your weird neighbor? Or your ex? Or a Cutco representative? You don’t need any more specialty knives! In fact, your collection is getting out of hand. Three pizza cutters? Enough.

Taurus

We sense that you’re in the middle of a health kick, Taurus, and that’s awesome for you. You’re drinking so much green tea and subsisting on a whole-food, grain-free plant-based diet and last week you made a vegan loaf out of untreated wood chips that was a HIT at the neighborhood BBQ. You are doing a great job of masking your emptiness and we have no advice for you.

Gemini

Did we mention that Mercury, apparently, is in retrograde? That’s especially important news for you, Gemini. You’ll either lose a bunch of money or win a bunch of money. Or maybe you’ll do both of those things in reverse order. But, in the event that you do come into a great fortune, we’ve got a once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity, and it starts with a single question: have you ever been craving the thrill of a haunted house, but Halloween is still months away?

Cancer

Cancer, it’s time to unplug. Turn off your Facebook notifications. Delete your work email. Stop answering calls. Throw your phone into Lake Erie. Destroy your hard drive. Destroy all documents with your name and address on it. Drive to a remote location. Build a new home with raw materials. Include an underground bunker. Stay there. Emerge in 20 years. Solicit a reality television show about your societal reintegration. Partner with Home Depot on a line of pre-fabricated bunkers. Profit. You’re a mogul, an icon for survivalists everywhere and unplugging is for suckers.

Leo

You’ve been feeling uninspired at work and you suspect your boss has noticed a decline in productivity. This isn’t like you, Leo. You need to do something to spark your creative spirit. All we’re saying is no one has ever died from doing peyote once (we think).*

Virgo

Lately, it’s felt like your love life is something out of a sitcom, and you’re one bad date away from committing to a life as an eternal bachelor. Maybe you should just… lean in to that. Being single is liberating! Me time all the time. You can finally give all of your neuroses, anxieties and existential fears the attention they deserve. In some circles, that’s called therapy.

Libra

Just a monthly reminder that you were voted Most Likely to Succeed by your peers in high school. Don’t let it haunt you in your adult life or anything.

Scorpio

Concerned because you haven’t heard from your friends in a while? Well maybe you should stop thinking about yourself so much, Scorpio. God, you’ve always been the selfish one of the group and the fact that you skipped Trisha’s bachelorette party to go to a Gwyneth Paltrow-inspired wellness retreat just really speaks to that.

Sagittarius

You’ve always thought there was something to Scientology, and that’s okay, you’re curious. Let curiosity be your guide this month. It may have killed the cat, but it didn’t kill Tom Cruise.

Capricorn

Capricorn, you’re always the realist of the group. So a.) why are you reading horoscopes and b.) why are you reading horoscopes written by a marketing agency? You know these things are fake, right?

Aquarius

You have an unpopular opinion, and you’re not sure how to add to the conversation going on around you without being immediately shot down for your beliefs. We know these are divisive times, but you should speak up. Nickelback fans just like you all over the world have found camaraderie, happiness, even love in the company of others who have far better tastes in music.

Pisces

In seven days, the moon will meet the sun under Pluto in the eighth house of Cassiopeia, prompting you to make a rash decision. Just try to remember how you felt the last time you ate an entire container of Betty Crocker chocolate frosting in one sitting, okay?

*Please consult your doctor first. We don’t know anything about this. It’s probably not even good advice. Actually, it’s probably bad advice. So, anyway, consult your doctor regardless. Maybe they’ll recommend something better, like a vitamin D supplement.