Well folks, we’re almost two whole weeks into a brand spanking new year, which means one thing—everyone you know is making resolutions they don’t actually want to make. And, not to be a bummer, but keeping the dramatic promises we make to ourselves whilst in the throes of our holiday indulgences is an awful lot to ask. Plus, any resolve to drink less and eat healthier was basically dead on arrival thanks to the excitement preceding and ultimate heartbreak following the Bills playoff appearance. You can’t watch a Bills game without a Labatt Blue in one hand and an extra-crispy Buffalo wing dunked in blue cheese in the other. It’s a rule. We didn’t make it up. In fact, it’s probably an inherited survival tactic evolved to cushion the pain of stinging winter winds and years of “trusting the process” with little to show for it.

Besides, what’s really the point of pressuring ourselves to make a big change in the New Year? Where’s the joy in eating kale, running in circles and evaluating the macronutrient density of every morsel until we collapse into the void? Sure, there’s something to be said for health—but why make sweeping declarations to change something that’s already pretty good? So we can internalize our shame and wallow, elbow deep in a bag of cheese puffs, when we inevitably slip up? Fingertips coated in cheese fuzz are telltale signs of failed New Year’s resolutions, which are, as far as we see it, a slippery slope and, as studies show, not always the best way to affect meaningful changes in our lives.

So, if we were to make this short and sweet, our list of New Year’s resolution would be “don’t make a New Year’s resolution” (our second New Year’s resolution would be the fit the phrase “New Year’s resolution” into this post as many times as possible, which is already off to a pretty good start *wink* *laugh track*). But since we don’t feel like unpacking that paradox, we’ve got a list of New Year’s resolutions you can quickly tackle so you can call it a day and consider January sorted.

  • Do 10 jumping jacks. Studies show that doing 10 jumping jacks is less than 15 but more than 0. New Year’s resolutions are all about striking that delicate balance.
  • Eat some almonds, but not too many almonds. Eating some almonds (i.e. a few or “several”) is good for you but eating too, many too frequently is bad. The science behind this is murky but might have something to do with their menacing shape.
  • Close your eyes and breathe slowly. Congratulations, you just meditated.
  • Moisturize. This is called self care and it is the official religion of anyone under 32.
  • Share in a Facebook status that you’re “using 2020 to focus on you.” This is a great way to make others believe you’re chock-full of resolve, and everyone knows New Year’s resolutions are all about the optics.
  • Incorporate more naps. Getting more sleep is easy if you prioritize napping. If you run into problems at work, simply download, print and cut out our “All-Access Nap Pass.” Present to your superior whenever you feel a nap coming on. You’re excused, nap freely.

  • Floss. Might as well start the year off on the right foot and get your annual floss session over with. Why wait to be shamed by your dentist to do so?
  • Read more. This blog post counts—look at you go! Bonus points if you make it all the way to the end. Which is here. Crushed it.

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