With the harvest upon us, we’ve got an extra special quiz up our sleeves, right next to a prank lottery ticket, half a turkey sub, some Lego bricks and the receipt for the company t-shirt cannon. We’ve got pretty big sleeves. Please don’t stare.

Anyway, you’ve probably taken your fair share of quizzes in your day, but this one is sure to expose a deeper truth about yourself by revealing your quintessential spirit gourd. It might even change the way you introduce yourself to others. Starting a job interview or a date with, “Hi, I’m Kevin, and before you ask, I’m a butternut squash” is so much more compelling than leading with your star sign or professional experience.

Without further ado… what kind of seasonal gourd are you?

In high school, you were voted:

  1. Most likely to be a professional athlete
  2. Most likely to be president
  3. Most likely to eat a chip that’s been on the floor for longer than 10 seconds
  4. Most likely to be mistaken for someone named Rick

Which cereal mascot do you trust the least?    

  1. Toucan Sam
  2. Tony the Tiger
  3. Count Chocula
  4. Cap’n Crunch

Which of these underrated Nicolas Cage movies best describes your last experience at the DMV?

  1. The Wicker Man
  2. Ghost Rider
  3. Face/Off
  4. Season of the Witch

Which of these underrated Nicolas Cage quotes most inspires you to steal the Declaration of Independence?

  1. “He may have my soul, but he doesn’t have my spirit.”
  2. “I love pressure. I eat it for breakfast.”
  3. “What’s in the bag? A shark or something?”
  4. “That’s funny. My name’s Roger. Two Roger’s don’t make a right!”

How many bees are there?

  1. Almost seven
  2. Infinite
  3. Those aren’t bees, they’re just geese that are very far away
  4. No

What’s your favorite comfort food?

  1. A Thanksgiving leftovers sandwich
  2. An artisanal cheese platter
  3. Hot banana water
  4. Just meat

If you chose mostly 1’s…

You’re a butternut squash. The people’s gourd. Almost universally beloved and incredibly versatile. You’re comforting and hearty—you remind people that there is still good in the world, but your popularity is bittersweet. Think of all the heirloom varieties eclipsed by your spotlight. We may never know the collateral gourds lost in the wake of butternut squash’s rise to fame. How does it feel to be the Red Delicious of gourds? Probably not great, I bet.

If you chose mostly 2’s…

You’re a delicata squash. You’re a little thin-skinned but very sweet and absolutely delicious when topped with goat cheese and toasted hazelnuts. You’re an elegant gourd, but you’re still a gourd. So try not to get a big head about it. It’s not like you’re an eggplant.

If you chose mostly 3’s…

You’re a spaghetti squash. You’re aspirational. You’ve got big dreams, but they’re misguided. Why try to be something you’re not? You’re a strong, independent gourd with a lot to offer. When people put in the work to get to know the real you, they’re delighted. Remember, the first step to self-acceptance is embracing who you truly are—not a delicious carb, but a stringy, kind of watery winter vegetable that tastes like a distant whisper of squash echoing down a long hallway from a room very far away.

If you chose mostly 4’s…

You’re an acorn squash. You get a lot of hype this time of year, but some might say you’re overrated. Don’t take it personally. It’s not your fault that you’ve been over-exposed by women on elimination diets with blogs.

If you chose a mix of all four…

You’re one of those warty, gently warped decorative gourds that look vaguely like lumpy featherless birds. People get a kick out of you. They like having you around this time of year. You’re not practical at all but you’re great on display. One day, someone will see you as more than just a frumpy squash. It’s hard to date as a gourd, but it’s great that you’re putting yourself out there more. Just please stop lying about your age on Tinder.

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