Right now, New Yorkers across the state are exercising their inalienable right to vote on one of the most the most pressing issues of our time. It’s nearly unavoidable—one we’re forced to confront every day, one that, up until now, we’ve been forced to accept by the lousy bureaucrats in the 518.

The issue of the New York State license plates.

You know, those garish school-bus yellow and navy blue eyesores that plague our roads and highways, from Buffalo to Albany, from the Adirondack State Park to the Big Apple. They’re at once totally uninspired and totally offensive and if you as a New York State resident say you “don’t really mind them,” then you’re probably just not paying attention.

However, our benevolent rulers have, apparently, looked down on us with kindness and mercy and offered the opportunity to erase the atrocity of the current plates from our roadways. Last month, Governor Cuomo and his cronies in the capital issued a “statewide survey” with five new designs, one of which (presumably the most popular) will replace the old plates and end the tyranny of Empire “Gold” (official title, pretty misleading) forever.

Most of the contenders feature a Statue of Liberty motif, one kindly deigns to acknowledge the existence of Western NY with a nod to Niagara Falls, and one features the Cuomo Bridge—because the bridge itself, was not enough apparently. Plus, nothing says New York State like literally anything a Cuomo has ever put their name on, which is most of New York State, anyway.

We digress, voting closed on Monday and results are yet to be announced. While each design would be an improvement on the current situation, we feel that they were all a missed opportunity to highlight one of our state’s most distinct and spirited regions—Western NY, of course. Why should Lady Liberty and NYC, the smelly, emissions-belching, safe haven for roaches, rats and the economic elite, get all the credit? We’ve got a wonder of the natural world up here! We put chicken wings on the map AND, sometimes, when there’s a northerly wind off Lake Erie, it smells like Cheerios. Last time I was in New York, it smelled like subway sweat. Everywhere.

While it’s probably true that the Cuomo administration is gathered in the governor’s mansion, rigging the results in favor of the bridge as we speak, we thought we’d send along some alternative suggestions, just in case Andy and his friends see them in time.

Wegmans, the Patron Saint of Ethical Grocers. Our ready access to Wegmans makes us the envy of other states, who have jumped on the bandwagon in recent years. Not sure why the administration would pass up an opportunity to highlight one of our greatest exports.
Not only are Western New Yorkers just nicer people, they’re deeply passionate sports fans. A Bills license plate is a testament to our resilience, our commitment to one another in bad times and more bad times, our unyielding, almost delusional, hope in a more promising tomorrow.
As a Northeastern state, New York is no stranger to snow. But the snow in Western NY is infamous—known and feared around the world, probably. While others complain about snowfall, Western New Yorkers have earned the privilege of scoffing at their paltry 12 or 18″ as we shovel ourselves out of twice the amount.
Because let’s face it, one day, we’re all going to take the Gov. Andrew Cuomo Memorial Highway to the Gov. Andrew Cuomo Memorial Park to have a Gov. Andrew Cuomo Memorial Picnic with our Gov. Andrew Cuomo Memorial family on what was formerly Memorial Day but is now Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s Memorial Memorial Day, the second biggest holiday of the year after Gov. Andrew Cuomo Memorial Christmas. This man never misses an opportunity to put himself on government-funded property, he might as well just lean in.


Look, we’re not fooling ourselves. Come April 2020, our cars will be sandwiched between two identical plates with two identical bridges that will remind absolutely no one who isn’t a Cuomo of New York, continuing a strong tradition of boondoggled license plates in the Empire State. However, Governor, if you’re reading, we’re open to collaborating.

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