The Quilted Squirrel

The TQS Blog

We Knew It, Horatio, An Office of Infinite Jest

This week, we’re saying goodbye to a dear friend and mediocre workspace. We’re saying goodbye to Lake Street, goodbye to the Village of Hamburg, goodbye to the vague, lingering smell of hamster food despite the lack of hamsters present in our office for at least the past eight years. We’re wiping a single tear from our eyes, saying our final farewells, packing all of the contents of our office into the back of Steve’s truck and shipping them to our new pad, and taking up residence in the greener pastures of Orchard Park.

As excited as we are to move on, this transition is not without its fair share of bittersweet nostalgia. The past five-ish years in the old office have held unforgettable cartwheel olympics, cinnamon bun taste tests, pumpkin carving contests, epic holiday decorating parties and countless other shenanigans, a list of which would be too long to denote here.

Before we part ways, we’re commemorating our departure and our time here with a final reflection on all the things that made this office our office—the good, the bad, the delightful, the inconvenient and the vaguely hamster-scented.


What’s your favorite memory of something that happened in the old office?  

Emily: “One time, Chris told me that the boys from [name redacted]* were interested in moving into our space. I processed this information and continued about my day. But then, just a little while later, Steve also told me that the boys from [name redacted] might be interested in moving into our space. I said, “Yeah, I heard that the boys from [name redacted] were interested in moving into our space.” Steve responded, “How did you know that the boys from [name redacted] were interested in moving into our space?” I told him, “Earlier today, Chris told me that the boys from [name redacted] were interested in moving to our space.” So, that’s how I found out that the boys from [name redacted] were interested in moving into our space. It’s a memory that I’ll treasure forever.” 

Steve: “Where to start?!? There’s the time Chris spent 20 minutes trying to open a wine bottle with his shoe. Or our infamous Ice Bucket Challenge in the parking lot. And of course, there’s not much better than having a front row seat to watch the Erie County Fair roll into town every year. Oh, and that time our previous landlords tried to seduce our then account executive into a threesome (we think). In more recent memory, the disappearance of our trash cans and subsequent investigation has been nothing short of riveting.”

Dawn: “TQS Holiday decorating party.”

Olivia: “The drama surrounding the disappearance of our trash cans won’t soon be forgotten by yours truly. I also fondly recall my first time walking into this office during the interview process. The faded snowflakes and snowmen spray painted on the windows (it was May). The patio furniture, including an umbrella, right outside the conference room. The loose plastic hands scattered throughout the space. And no explanation for any of it. Today, these things are merely elements of the mundane and my small wiener dog Sushi has chewed the fingertips off of several hands.”

Tyler: Steve body slamming several pieces of cardboard furniture with no regard to his own safety.

 

What will you miss most about the old office?

Emily: “Working in such close proximity to the boys from [redacted], and the pure, unadulterated joy that comes with their interest in moving into our space.”

Courtney: “I will for sure miss the random stop-ins and questions we seem to get on a weekly basis. They always keep me highly entertained.”

Steve: “I always loved Christmas in the old office. Decorating, oversized inflatable yard decorations in the conference room, fish-shaped lights, and the always-popular Yankee Swap gift exchange. I’ll also miss being in the Village of Hamburg. It’s lovely, but I’m sure the Village of OP will be equally lovely.”

Dawn: “The office occasionally smelling like a pet store when you walk in. I am not sure why, but I will miss that odd smell.”

Olivia: “I’m a big fan of the neighborhood. While the view of the office strip across the street isn’t the most stimulating thing in the world, the streets behind our office are great for taking a walk to break up the day—which is awesome, since sitting is now officially a cancer.”

Tyler: “The rocket man.”

Chris: “Nothing [pauses a moment to reconsider]… the turf is kind of nice.”

 

What will you miss least?

Courtney: “I will not miss squeezing behind co-workers to both enter and leave the conference room. It’s a tight fit there for four plus fully-grown humans”

Emily: “The faint smell of what I’m told is hamster food when it rains.”

Steve: “Mice (primarily around Tyler’s desk). Ants (primarily under Tyler’s keyboard). No parking. People stopping in to have copies made. People stopping in to buy quilting supplies. Paying rent.”

Dawn: “The cluster f*@# of traffic coming from every direction on our corner. I fear for my life every time I pull out of my parking space.”

Tyler: “Parking on Tuesdays.”

Chris: “The western exposure windows that turn the conference room into a sauna in the afternoon. The parking.” [He also fondly referred to the office as “dumpy.]

 

Who would you cast to play this office in a movie about our time here?

Courtney: “I would cast Tig Notaro (mostly because she is underrated, and less because of any relevance or relation to anyone or anything in the office).”

Steve: “Probably Jerry Seinfeld. If he wasn’t available, the guy who played Tommy on Martin.”

Olivia: “Probably the Mona Lisa, because there’s a sticker of her face in the women’s bathroom, the gaze of which I often find myself having a hard time avoiding.”

Tyler: “Steve Buscemi all day long.”

Chris: “Marlon Brando.” [Presumably because of his talents as a method actor.]

 

*Name has been redacted to preserve anonymity. However, we will say that the identity concealed by the usage of [name redacted] happens to be our next door neighbors. So. You can take it from there *wink*.

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