Recently, we reviewed our online presence to see if there was something missing from our contributions to the internet. Obviously, this blog is rich with shrewd tidbits and thought-provoking musings on a myriad of relevant topics, but we couldn’t help wondering where else our signature blend of wit and insight might apply.

And then it hit us. Fashion.

Every year in the weeks leading up to September, Vogue publishes its esteemed September Issue—a veritable bible for acolytes of high fashion. While we aren’t really that at all, we know a trend when we see one and, not unlike Vogue, have a very influential brand. Additionally, if we had a coaster with our logo on it for every time someone’s asked “collective TQS staff, what’s going to be hot on the runway this season?” we’d have 102 coasters because we ordered too many and now they’re just laying around.

If you’re ready to embrace an exciting new wardrobe (featuring the return of some old favorites and some cutting-edge trends), then look no further than this official TQS fall fashion preview.

1. Very thin belts, worn around the waist and absolutely not through the appointed belt loops on low-rise jeans. That’s right, this confounding, logic-defying style of the early 2000’s is back and worse than ever. Belts should be both functional and decorative, but who says they have to be both? Why can’t they be decorative and completely useless? These are the questions that this trend strives to answer. To achieve this look on the cheap, use a bungee cord or perhaps a very long piece of floss. Oral-B Pro-Health Comfort Plus does a gorgeous, affordable version in mint.
2. Which reminds us, horror-of-all-horrors low-rise jeans are also coming back. Bid farewell to the comfort and security of a high waist, ladies. The powers that be felt we were getting a little too self-assured with their flattering, fashion-forward fits and have condemned us to season of constantly worrying if our lower backs are exposed and puzzling over how to sit down or bend over without compromising our modesty (and you can forget turning to belts for any assistance). If you thought you were done looking to Paris Hilton for inspiration after circa 2005, we’re sorry to tell you that you should kindly think again.
3. We also predict that gluten-free pleather will be hot on the runways this season. It’s the plastic leather you know and love, now totally devoid of all gluten, should you ever find yourself hungry and marooned in a sea of gluten-infested desserts at your next dinner party or breakfast buffet. It’s a real indulgence—eco-friendly, gut-friendly and all of the pleather you want with none of the gluten you don’t.
4. The last major theme we’re anticipating is a reversal of the “athleisure” trend that’s made its way off the racks at Forever 21 and onto the runways in recent years. Instead of being casual and comfortable everywhere you go, you can be comically overdressed and supremely uncomfortable in all situations—including and especially those that don’t warrant formal-wear. This trend breathes new life into the old adage “you’re never fully dressed without a three-piece suit and a sophisticated timepiece,” so don’t even try to show up to the neighborhood barbecue without a cummerbund. The unwarranted formalwear trend will really allow you to play with accessories—monocles, top hats, elbow-length satin gloves, one of those canes with a fossilized mosquito in amber like that old guy’s in Jurassic Park. The possibilities are endless.

As a bonus, we’ve also got a lightning round of quick teaser trends you should be keeping an eye out for this fall:

• Bespoke shin pads
• “Cubicle-chic”
• Reusable sunglasses. You can finally stop throwing away your favorite pair after a single use.
• Mood snakes
• Halloween costumes for the other 364 days
• Bottomless sneakers
• The Ahab. Less of an article of clothing, more of an attitude, but prolonged exposure to dangerous seafaring conditions and a tortured scowl helps.
• Toolbelts. Pick one up at the nearest Home Depot (or better yet, shop small at your local hardware store) ASAP to get ahead of this trend.