You’ve likely found yourself wondering before, “What goes on in the minds of those folks over at The Quilted Squirrel?” Maybe the thought is brought on by being amazed at our sheer brilliance (we’re very modest here), or maybe it’s because we do things that can sometimes be perceived as being a bit odd (Whatever, Russ*).

Whatever the reason, we’re here to solve your life’s most pressing question. To answer it, we decided to play a game called “7 Minutes in Chris’s Mind.” We know what you’re thinking, but this is a very different game than the middle school game known as “7 Minutes in Heaven.” It is a sheer and unfortunate coincidence that the names are so similar, but it’s completely out of our control. 

Who do you think you are?

Who do I think I am? Hmmm…

Chris proceeded to stare off into the distance for about 25 seconds. When it became clear that Chris wasn’t even sure who he thinks he is, we moved on. For we had much more mind to explore.

What gives you the right?

What gives me the right? Hmmm…

Chris, once again, proceeded to stare off into the distance. All signs pointed to this question going the way of the previous question, and we had all but lost hope when he suddenly, definitively concurred:

NAFTA.

Let’s play everyone’s favorite game, word association.

Shovel: Snow

Rope: Burn

Duct tape: Fix-all

Hand sanitizer: Smelly

Map: Unnecessary

Urine: …

This visibly threw Chris for a loop, and it became increasingly obvious that he was hiding something.

Nothing…nothing comes to mind when I think of urine. I don’t think of anything.

Which of these items do you wish were edible?

• Coffee table
• Telephone
• Lawn mower

I think a coffee table would have the most protein.

The implication of this response leads us to believe that Chris values protein and therefore would choose the coffee table over the other items. Or does he dislike protein, and said that because he wanted to eliminate the coffee table from the list? Is he neutral towards protein, and was simply stating his thoughts regarding the nutritional makeup of the items presented to him? Frankly, we’re left with more questions than we are answers.

Rock, paper, or scissors?

Which one always wins?

None of them. 

Then I pick rock. You can always throw the rock* at your opponent, then run.

If you could be any animal, what would you be and why?

Sloth – three-toed, not two-toed. No one expects anything from a sloth. They’re so slow that people just give up trying.

This answer holds a place in the Top 5 Most Depressing Responses We’ve Ever Received.

If you were stuck on a desert island and could only bring one thing, what would it be?

Sunscreen.

You can’t say the man isn’t practical. Except for that time he associated the word “map” with “unnecessary.”

Lastly, why should we hire you?

I don’t smell too bad. I think. Maybe I do, nobody’s ever told me so.

This concluded our interview at the 4 minute and 37 second mark. We promised 7 minutes in Chris’s mind, but there’s no way of telling what was going on in there for the remaining 2 minutes and 23 seconds of pure silence. And with that, the mystery continues.

*Yes, we just got past Halloween, but National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation references are appropriate all year round.

*Not to be confused with throwing Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at your opponent.