The Quilted Squirrel

The TQS Blog

An Office Interview: Don’t Ask About the Sun

For years, the steady stream of content coming from TQS has delighted clients and TQS fans alike. You laugh. You cry. You wish you had never been born. But where do all of these wonderful words come from? Well, our loyal followers and fans, you are about to find out.

Meet Tess! Tess is our copywriter. What is a copywriter? Google it, I don’t have that kind of time. Tess and I sat down for coffee and an interview. For any “The Office” fans out there, some of these questions might sound familiar.

Rachael Herrmann: If TQS was “The Office,” who would you be?
Tess Felton: A cross between Angela and Jim. Like Angela, I can be a little tightly wound and I have a lot of cherub figurines. I can tolerate some manure. But like Jim, my hair makes me look “homeless,” as Karen would so lovingly say. But truth be told, I’ve been called Meredith by a coworker more than once. #Jimgela

RH: Would you rather get bitten by a bat, hit by a car, or light your hair on fire? Why?
TF: Hit by a car. It seems like the least of all evils. Rabies treatment seems really awful. Three years ago, the same stray cat scratched everyone in my family. The incubation period for rabies can be as long as several years, so we’re basically living on borrowed time.

RH: Would you rather be on the Party Planning Committee or the Committee to Plan Parties?
TF: Committee to Plan Parties.

RH: If TQS played Office Olympics, or competed on the beach to see who would be the next manager, which game do you think you could win at?
TF: In my dreams, hot dog eating. I have no interest in sumo wrestling. Or in guessing how many M&Ms are in a jar. Blindfolded egg and spoon races seem O.K. But eating a lot of hotdogs really fast sounds like a cool way to win a promotion.

That completes Part I of “The Office” interview with Tess. Please standby for Part II.

Thank you for standing by. This is Part II of “The Office” interview with Tess. Better go get a snack, because this is about to get dull.

RH: What is the best color?
TF: Blue.

RH: What kind of blue?
TF: Cerulean blue.

RH: How do you make a table?
TF: You make a bed, but you don’t put a mattress on it.

RH: Where would you put your one of a kind Tess table?
TF: At the curb. Woodwork is not one of my strengths.

RH: What is the capital of Maine?
TF: Augusta? In 5th grade when I should have learned state capitals, I learned how to graph parabolas instead. In retrospect, one of those is definitely more useful than the other. 

RH: What will be your first priority?
TF: Find water.

RH: An antique weapon was accidentally discharged while you were acting manager, how are we ever to trust you again?
TF: That was an unfortunate incident. Antiques are dumb, and no one will ever bring one to the office again as long as I’m in charge. New stuff only, please.

RH: How would you describe yourself in three words?
TF: Female clothes wearer.

RH: What is on your horizon?
TF: Canada. I’m not planning on going there; I just see it on the horizon every day while I’m driving. While I’m stuck in Peace Bridge traffic, I use the time to think about the worst karaoke songs a person could chose. I usually settle on “Sound of Silence” by Simon and Garfunkel, but I’m open to debate to on this issue.

RH: Who are your three role models?
TF: Agatha Trunchbull, Ursula the Sea Witch and Tina Fey.

RH: What do you think are your greatest weaknesses?
TF: I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally, I’ll hit somebody with my car. Also, knowing where sounds are coming from.

RH: How many windows are there in NYC?
TF: At least 17.

RH: Does it have to open to be considered a window?
TF: No.

RH: How far away is the sun?
TF: Shut up about the stupid sun.

RH: If a conflict were to arise, how would it be dealt with?
TF: That’s HR’s job. Grow up, Rachael.

RH: How would you compare an accountant and an HR person?
TF: First, stand them next to each other. Then, choose the taller, less attractive one.

RH: What is your three-step plan?
Take the first step, then two more. Then stop. No one likes a show-off.

RH: You don’t work in sales do you?
TF: No, I am in copywriting. Thank you for asking.

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